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Do you have a husband, wife, boyfriend, girlfriend, son, daughter, best friend, or roommate who has some difficult food issues? Maybe they don\u2019t eat all day \u2013 or you never see them eat, but then a whole jar of peanut butter seems to disappear. Maybe they often tell you that they\u2019ve just started a diet \u2013 but then you find\u00a0them alone in the kitchen decimating a birthday cake. Maybe you\u2019ve been saving a special dessert for yourself in the refrigerator and when you go to eat it, you find that it\u2019s gone. Maybe they\u2019ve cried to you about their issues with food. Maybe they\u2019ve even told you that they have binge eating disorder, maybe they\u2019ve promised that they\u2019re done with this habit and they\u2019re never going to do it again.<\/span><\/p>\n And then it happens again. And you\u2019re so frustrated you don\u2019t know what to do. You feel like you can\u2019t keep anything that you want to eat in your own house, you wish they\u2019d just stop doing this and you can\u2019t understand why they just won\u2019t stop. You wish they had a little self control or will power.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n <\/p>\n Binge Eating Disorder is extremely complicated to understand if you\u2019re not in it– think of it this way: \u00a0Imagine saying to a cocaine addict, \u201cyou need to never do cocaine again.\u201d And then putting a giant pile of cocaine right under their nose. That\u2019s what it\u2019s like for someone with BED. Food is their drug. But food is everywhere, so the process of recovery isn\u2019t as simple as just not doing it. It\u2019s hard enough for cocaine addicts to recover without having people pile cocaine under their nose constantly, without seeing billboards with cocaine on it, TV commercials advertising delicious piles of all you can snort cocaine or a never ending cocaine basket, or passing cocaine stores everywhere.<\/span><\/p>\n Seems a little ridiculous right? But\u2026 \u00a0that\u2019s the\u00a0thing about having Binge Eating Disorder\u2014food is your drug. And it\u2019s impossible to separate yourself from it completely. It\u2019s not as simple as just ending your relationship with food because you can\u2019t just walk away from food you have to fix your relationship with it.<\/em> Have you ever tried to fix a relationship? It\u2019s hard work. It involves breakups, make ups, fights, lots of open communication, kindness, gentleness, relaxation time, and most of all EXTREME, RADICAL PATIENCE.<\/span><\/p>\n So when someone you care about is attempting to repair their relationship with food, they need not just patience with themselves, but they require you to be exceedingly<\/em> patient with their process. It’s not your job to fix them or their issue, so you can just let go of that. But, it is important that you get your own support <\/a><\/span>while your partner deals with their issue.<\/span><\/p>\n Here are ten things NOT TO SAY to your partner with Binge Eating Disorder<\/span><\/p>\n You know where it went. I ate it. But\u00a0when you ask this question\u2014I just feel ashamed and I hate myself. \u00a0I already\u00a0feel terrible because I ate a whole gallon of ice cream. I’m\u00a0so sick I\u00a0can barely move today, but I’m also feeling like withering up and dying because I feel like such a failure. <\/span><\/p>\n When you ask me this, it throws me deep into my shame cycle and I believe that\u00a0there is something wrong with me\u2026 I’m\u00a0unfixable\u2026 I\u00a0need help\u2026 I’m\u00a0too much for you. I’m unloveable… I need professional help. I’m beyond help.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n Yes, the cake was eaten by me. And I feel like crap. And another thing\u2014why is it that you can keep a piece of cake in pristine condition in the refrigerator for a week? What are you saving it for? It makes no sense to me that you can have a piece of cake in the refrigerator for a week without eating it. It makes me feel like I\u2019m a totally strange and horrible human\u2014because I can\u2019t do that. I can\u2019t have tempting food just in there because it tortures me. And the fact that you\u2019re not tempted or tortured makes me feel awful about myself.<\/span><\/p>\n Better question<\/strong>\u2014\u201cwas the cake good?\u201d in a kind and loving and interested voice- not in a condescending voice. You could also choose to say nothing and go get more cake for yourself and let it go.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n Oh how many times have I stopped? To tell you the truth I don\u2019t eat junk food \u2013 almost never. It\u2019s all rice cakes and carrot sticks for me. But then\u2014out of nowhere the beast comes out and tricks me and it will ravage you for case of two year old Cadbury Cream Eggs that I can literally break my teeth on.<\/span><\/p>\n Um\u2026 when am I not on a diet? I\u2019m on a diet Every. Fucking. Day. Of \u00a0My. Life.<\/strong><\/em>\u00a0<\/span>And I still binge\u2014 because diets don\u2019t work! And everyone knows that and I shouldn\u2019t be dieting but I\u2019m terrified not to!\u00a0 I know! It makes no sense. But that\u2019s all part of my disorder. Dieting always makes me binge but I\u2019m afraid if I don\u2019t diet, I\u2019m going to binge. My mind is playing tricks on me and it’s a constant battle in my mind to figure out what the right thing to do is. So please don’t give me advice, what I need is to learn to trust my inner guidance, and when you tell me to do something else, it will make me believe that my inner guidance is wrong… and my inner guidance is where I will find my recovery. Telling me to diet makes me doubt myself and undoes all the work that I’ve done.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n I have so much self-control that I\u2019m frozen with control and perfection. I\u2019m an absolute subservient to my self control. So much so that eventually I crack and break in half and this sneaky piece jumps out of me and steals all the food when I\u2019m not looking. It\u2019s terrible and it feels awful.<\/span><\/p>\n I know- I really do, it must be incredibly hard for you. But I need you to know that this really isn\u2019t about you. My eating disorder is not about you, it’s about me. You didn’t cause it and you can’t fix it, so please don’t frustrate yourself. I know it\u2019s hard for you to deal with. I know. It\u2019s hard for me too. But please don\u2019t try to make me feel guilty in order to shame me into stopping. I have so much guilt and shame around this and it just throws me deeper into my disorder. I just need your love and understanding.<\/span><\/p>\n I know that you want to\u00a0fix me because you love me. But it will make you crazy and it will make me feel like a failure and it will ruin our relationship. I\u2019m not going to be able to do what you tell me to do. I have to recover on my own by helping myself. Please don\u2019t try to fix me. It will break us both and we won\u2019t be able to survive it. It\u2019s not your job to fix me. Just love me and support me and be patient with me.<\/span><\/p>\n Please don\u2019t be my food police. Because what I\u2019m likely going to do is put the food away, die of shame right now, then come back and binge on it later.<\/span><\/p>\n Because recovery is a long process. These patterns and habits and coping mechanisms have been formed for the past (10,20,30,40,50) years\u2026 and I have to actively work to change them. I\u2019m frustrated with myself. And when you\u2019re frustrated with me, it\u2019s even worse. I just need your encouragement to keep going. I need your love and support, but most of all, I need your patience.<\/span><\/p>\n And lastly, the worst possible offense, such a terrible thing to say that I almost forgot to mention it because I blocked it out:\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n 11.\u00a0You don’t have an eating disorder, this is just an excuse.\u00a0<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n I do have an eating disorder — and when you say that it’s an excuse it just throws me into my own shame and my own doubting about whether or not this really is a disorder or not. It makes me feel like a fool. \u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n <\/p>\n Read and learn about Binge Eating Disorder:<\/a>\u00a0<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n What to say:<\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n\n
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